Nigel Mullet is 99 years old as he starts his first diary. He states that 85 years ago, when he was transformed, he didn't get any powers, so his "parents" have to fetch blood for him. The next day, a new girl, Chloe Sparrow, comes to Nigel's school. He can smell her type o- blood (which vampires call "Champagne of Blood". He also states that his Maths teacher, Mr Wilson, has coffee breath. Nigel tells Chloe about the Popular Gang, Tough Gang and Goths, and she says she wouldn't want to be in the popular gang. They chat for a while and at 4 am the next day Nigel realizes he is in love with her, for real this time (vampires don't sleep, so Nigel writes "4 am" in his diary). In another entry, Nigels states that he didn't get Vampire beauty when he transformed. He also says vampires have reflections and most things about vampires in horror movies aren't real. Later, Nigel's fangs extend during his History lesson, so he couldn't answer questions.
Nigel decides to pout and mesmerize Chloe like his dad does, but fails. His parents then fall sick because they drank blood with alcohol in it. Later, Nigel writes a poem, and states that he will read it to Chloe on their wedding. Nigel has PE the next day, which is described as "Hell on Earth", mainly because of his psychopath PE teacher Mr Jenkins, who practically tortures him. He also states they sing hymns during assembly. But religons are all vampires' weakness, so Nigel got told off.
The Mullets head off to Whitby for their annual family trip where Nigel says Dracula does a lot of silly things and that they are the last 4 vampires in the world. Nigel asks his parents for a car but they refuse, because he looks to young to drive one. Nigel offers to wear a false beard everytime he drives, but they still refuse. Nigel persuades his dad to write a note to Mr Jenkins saying that he has a back problem and cannot attend PE, but is embarassed by the ancient parchment his dad wrote on with a quill. This note is accepted by Mr Jenkins though.
Nigel stops using his Lynx Africa deodorant so that he can let out his natural vampire aroma.But he results in smelling like "a cheese sandwich that's been accidentally left in a locker over the summer over the summer holidays.But he results in smelling like "a cheese sandwich that's been accidentally left in a locker over the summer over the summer holidays. So he goes back to using his Lynx.
Nigel hears news that he describes as "pierced by heart like a stake dipped in garlic and holy water": Wayne Cross(a boy with bad teeth) fancies Chloe. So he decides to reveal to Chloe that he is a vampire, but he gets nervous so he joins the goths instead. They are talking about vampires turning into bats.But this is also a silly myth, and John said he prefers zombies, which don't exist.
Nigel draws a picture depicting a girl that looked like Chloe chased by a vampire in art class. He was afraid Chloe might see it so he transform it into abstract shapes. He then hears news that there will be a valentine's postal service. So he gets to work with a note to Chloe in fancy handwriting that is kept anonymous.But he didn't recieve any cards at all!
There has been a vampire attack in Stockfield! Nigel suspects his parents but they reject, So he gets mad. Then, snow starts to fall so school is stopped. Nigel's sister makes a "snowpire" which his dad says is "the only vampire that would really be destroyed by the sun"(vampires don't die if exposed to sunlight, they just get rashes).
Nigel gets sick from drinking excessive blood. He eventually gets well. Nigel's school is giving a tooth checkup, so Nigel sniffs the bins so his fangs won't extend. In fact, the dentist said his teeth was the whitest he'd ever seen. Nigel then discovers that there has been another attack in town, and blames his parents once more, and again they deny it. The next day, Nigel takes a walk in the park, but is attacked by squirrels.
Nigel's mum and dad went to parents evening wearing ancient ballgowns and velvet capes. They get all the attention as they possess vampire attractiveness. Nigel tries to keep them away from Mr Jenkins though. During the weekend, Nigel reluctantly goes on a family hike. But because of his lack of vampire powers, Nigel eventually gets left behind in the middle of the route as it involves scaling cliffs and leaping over valleys.
Nigel beats Jay at a game of "Mercy" and his victory becomes big news. Mr Jenkins harrasses Nigel in the library, but Nigel is saved by his cold vampire temperature, as it feels as if he is ice cold.
Nigel goes on a field trip to the zoo. As all animals hate vampires, Nigel is snared by all the animals. The monkeys even threw rocks at him, which drew attention. So the zookeeper threw him out because he thought Nigel was provoking the animals.
Nigel quickly becomes an outcast because of the rumour that the monkeys threw their poo at him and he ran away in tears. Even his very name has become an insult. Nigel then finds that someone has taped a drawing of him covered in monkey excrement and in tears taped to his locker with the words "Nigel has 'Monkey Bum Deasease'."and suspects Wayne was the one who drew it.
Nigel is heartbroken at the news that Chloe and Wayne are officially a pair. He wonders how he can commit suicide and realizes nothing works, as vampires are immortal. He writes a few poems though. Mavis breaks into Nigels diary but only reads it for 2 seconds as she claims it is boring. Nigel then attempts to strike her but she pins Nigel and holds him down until he surrendered and promised not to lash out again and admitted his real name is "Mr Smellypants". Nigel vows to have revenge.
Nigel sees Chloe and Wayne at the bus stop going to the Leisure Mall and finds out that another resident has been attacked. As usual, his parents denied it. Nigel then meets an old man who asks Nigel about his problem, but he is actually looking for candidates to join the local church youth group, which results in Nigel having a horrible migraine as well as severe depression.
Chloe has dumped Wayne. This is good news for Nigel. He finds out they broke up because Chloe found out Wayne was a sexist, and they split after a big fight. Nigel later asks Chloe to be his girlfriend, but she says she likes him as a friend, which destroys him.
Nigel tries to tell Chloe about his true nature by dropping hints. But instead she thinks he is a "self harming anorexic insomniac". Then, Nigel meets Mr Jenkins in the corridor, as usual, Nigel tells him his back still hurt.
Nigel invites Chloe to watch Twilight, in hopes of revealing his true nature, but the Goths have invited themselves to go with them, bringing Bryan's fat funny-looking girlfriend with them. They cause a lot of problems which sabotages Nigel's plans of seduction.
Nigel decides to write a letter to Chloe with the truth but regrets it just after posting it. So Nigel begs his sister for ages to rip open the post box so he can scoop the letter out. So the next day, Nigel comes right out and tells Chloe, but he keeps saying the wrong words. At first, Chloe is confused, but is astounded as Nigel fangs extended. She then kisses him and runs home.
The next day, Chloe finally agrees to be Nigel's girlfriend. Nigel is not afraid to hold hands with Chloe, despite the school rumours, meanwhile, Mavis says she wants to switch to 'team werewolf', which is ignored by everyone else. Friday the 13th turns out to be Nigel's lucky day as he has his first snog in 100 years with Chloe.
The next day, Nigel turns 100, and as he falls into a state of whistful reflection, Mavis plays her teen pop at a very high volume, and he snaps out of it. He considers texting Chloe goodnight, but remembers they have only been going out for 4 days, and he didn't want to seem like a stalker.
The day after his 100th birthday, he manages to harvest some blood for himself, when a coriour with bags of blood for a hospital falls off his bike. Nigel helps him up, but steals all the blood bags. Whilst he is enjoying the blood he collected, he starts to feel guilty about it. He wonders whether the blood was meant for someone really ill, or if the courier got the sack for losing the blood bags.
Wayne finds out Chloe and Nigel are an item, and threatens to fight Nigel after school. As Nigel can't feel pain, he just stands there whilst Wayne beats him up. Nigel fails to make peace, and sees a glint of true rage in his eyes. Wayne tries to sock Nigel in the head, but hits him so hard that his finger breaks and has to go to hospital. Word gets round that Nigel won the fight, and he gets told off by the headmaster for having 'anger issues'. But Chloe knows the true story, and gives him a kiss for being a pacifist.
Chloe comes round to Nigels house, and she is instantly mesmirised by the family. They make small talk, and then Nigel's Mum cooks Chloe chicken and vegetables. However, things start to go downhill when the rest of them get out their blood flasks. They forget how nasty it can be to a non-vampire, and Chloe soon leaves. Nigel worries that this has put Chloe off him, but the next day, Chloe says she understood it was part of their culture.
Chloe then invites him to her house for dinner. She has told her parents that Nigel is allergic to garlic, but she doesn't realise that anything that isn't blood that Nigel eats will just come straight back up again. He sews bags onto the insides of his sleeves so he can tuck the food up it. The plan is a success until desert, when the custard comes out. He hides the custard up his sleeve put has to keep is arms up. As he is about to leave, Chloe's dad wants to shake is hand, meaning the custard will come out all over his hand. Instead Nigel yells out, "High five!" instead, and once he leaves, he pours the custard down the drain.